We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
