I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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