Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Soap is not a condiment
he shaved USA in his pubs
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
