first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
