OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We are all done wearing pants today
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
