before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize