If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
