ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize