if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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