so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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