Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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