i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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