I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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