Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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