how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
