you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
