i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
