so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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