I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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