It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
