Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
