A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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