yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
