just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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