yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm so fucking centered right now
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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