Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
