can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
