I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
