i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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