I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
