a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if i died would you start the facebook group?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
