lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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