I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
