Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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