I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
