Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
