I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize