Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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