Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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