just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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