He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
