I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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