If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
