just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
