Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
