All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
