you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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