South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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