I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize