final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
