i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i need an iv and a liver transplant
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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