apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
