my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
