Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
