Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
