i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
